Nab a Sapiosexual (Humour Piece)

 Sapiosexuals are a fairly new phenomenon, but this label’s gaining popularity fast enough to be featured as an option on OkCupid. Where most of us want a partner ‘who listens’, very few us have what it takes to nab a partner whose interest is piqued by our speech.

What’s an easy way to spot a sapiosexual? They’re aloof, quirky, sarcastic, and untouchably sexy and they’ll most probably (still) be single this Valentine's Day. This isn’t to say that the average sapiosexual won’t be titillating someone else’s cerebellum over an seasoned bottle of wine this Valentine’s Day, but in the event of knowing, or finding, a single one, a few pointers can’t hurt.

First of all, sapiosexuals find intellect more attractive than physical features but they’re not asexual. They do want to rumble in the jungle, it’s just that you may need to provide some topical distinctions between a rain forest, the busheveld and a jungle before you get into things.

In this day and age where we celebrate the “Year of the Booty” – with Kim Kardashian breaking the internet – and the "Sexiest" lists which recycle the same hunks and babes , this group presents a new avenue for those who want a little bit more teasing before unleashing the inner Christian Grey. 

I immediately think back to the scene in Big Bang Theory where Sheldon completely obliterates Penny's use of the zodiac signs as absolute, tell tale, micro biographies. Whereas Leonard’s smitten with her features, the more Penny says the less faith Sheldon has in her as a valuable member of human society. Astrology might work on someone who is willing to run with the idea of pop-psychology as a romantic conversation prompt, but it probably won’t get you far with a sapiosexual conquest.

So, how do you capture this creature’s mind while everyone’s targeting their loins?

1. Sit down Miley!

It's not about your twerk skills. Even if your outfit’s absolutely made for dancing, you might want to give it a pass. This isn’t to say your dancing won’t humour anyone, but the ears and mind are your target – kind of like a Mozart symphony.

2. Bootylicious. Language of origin? 

You'll be more impressive with you curvy and full figured knowledge than with the lack of spare space in your jeans. You don’t have to be a spelling bee champion, but knowing that the word entrepreneur isn’t French borrowed from English is a good place to start.

3. Double entendre not double jointed. 

Sure, you have skills in the bedroom, but let's keep those for later. You're going after someone who's g-spot isn't something you physically prod. Armed with contortionist flexibility in speech, you'll be an intellectual Dita Von Teese.

4. Leave the thesaurus

Nothing's more embarrassing than a fake big vocabulary. Think of it as a sock falling out of your bra, or jock strap, and we know how that ends. You’re more attractive with what you have than what you claim to have, because it’ll be stripped bare soon enough.

5. Be inquisitive but don't play dumb

Nothing's more annoying than playing the teacher all night; in the same way that nothing's more condescending than thinking that the only way for someone to like you is if you admit complete ignorance. Think of it in this simple manner, you can be Jack McFarlane – a dim light with a sparkling disco ball – and dazzle with your own odd trivia. 

6. Match the quirk

There's obviously something about your conquest that you liked, what is it about you that you think he or she might be intrigued by? Have a personality and you'll be sticking around a bit longer. 

One last bit of advice, even if you see dim lights trying to attract the proverbial moth of a sapiosexual, don’t act better than anyone else because you never know when you might stick your foot - ankle deep - into your mouth.

It’s easy to be physically fit if you work out, but rarely will you find yourself sitting at home on a Tuesday night analysing etymology and genetic sequencing. The sapiosexual isn’t a brain vampire, so there’s no need to feel overly pressured to be the most supple morsel.

To become a regular date after this Valentine’s Day will depend on whether you can turn a conversation about the cold weather into a tango about more than “cuddling in front of an open fire.” If you think you may be the sapiosexual of someone else’s dreams, you can always take the Sapiosexual test and see for yourself.

Of all the things in life I need, This I Knead.

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